Living with Depression

Has there ever been a moment when you could literally just throw your hands up, fall to your knee’s, and hide in your room listening to every sad song on repeat? “How to Save a Life,” “Chasing Cars,” “Drops of Jupiter,” need I go on? I’ve had many of these days where my heart is sunken so deep into my stomach I could throw up, while having racing, negative thoughts judging and dictating my every move and thought. 

If you’re reading this and can relate in any way, please keep reading because hopefully in one way or another this post will either help you, inspire you, make your day a little bit better. Maybe even, bring a little joy into your day, and give you the slightest of hope to allow you to keep pushing a little bit further!

Depression can be a crisis so beyond difficult to explain, and cope with. What make’s it even harder to grasp is when you or a loved one doesn’t have a fully understand. In most ways, depression is like dealing with big bully…hard to handle, and terrifying. It’s just like when they won’t stop shoving you against a locker no matter how many times you beg them. No matter how many times that bully takes your lunch money, knocks your books down, every ounce of your body tries to fight back, however, it becomes harder and harder to tame the beast, and everybody has a breaking point. 

Imagine, standing all alone screaming, and begging for help but you realize that you’re only screaming in your head and no-one can hear you. Having depression is like a game. We want to beat it, and come out on the other side while trying to survive day-to-day all at the same time. The true balance is, finding little glimpses of sun during an horrific rainstorm. Unfortunately, depression is viewed in society as something that is “over diagnosed” or its over exaggerated. The person sitting next to you in class, at work, or on the bus could very possibly be dealing with illness. There are many different levels of this disease but the effects are just as severe to that individual. Many people are afraid to admit that they may this disease, however the first step to recovery is realizing that there may be something wrong. 

Personally, no-one ever shares the dark truth about depression, which is why I want to be as real with you as I can, to let people know that its okay to share your experience and that YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

I remember it was around the 1st of December, and I was watching tv, in fact, it was the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center, and the Rokccette’s were about to perform…to be specific. Let me tell you, when it comes to winter, Christmas and that time of year in general I guess you could say I’m slightly OBSESSED.

Sorry to get side tracked, back to the point!

I was laying there, with the lights off, phone in hand texting back and forth with my mom on when she would be home from work. The only feelings I remember were dark, extreme emptiness, and my heart was in my stomach. The television was on, but the covers were over my head covering my face and I was just laying there…staring at the wall. I decided to tell my mom, and I asked her to come home as soon as she was done, and I explained to her everything I was feeling. For three months after that experience, I stayed in my room, and never came out unless I had a mandatory doctors appointment. I ate in my room, slept there, and I watched the full Grey’s Anatomy series twice… That was my routine from 9 in the morning to midnight, every single day. I had no motivation, or energy, and couldn’t care less about what was going on. There were days I just remember sobbing about how I don’t want to be here anymore, and live life this way. That was the darkest point, in the depression aspect of my journey. 

This was 2014, and since then I have dealt with this disease through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Getting help, and finding what works for you is the key to living with depression in a manageable way. 

If you have been living in a dark space and don’t know where to turn, let this be your first step. It’s going to be scary, and you’re going to be stepping into new territory, however the best thing you can do for yourself, is making your mental health a main priority. Therapy is something that many people are skeptical about, but this can change your life for the better, and it’s worth a shot. Never be afraid to put yourself first, or making time for you, and your well-being. Always remember that you can do this, God put this journey in our path because He knew we were strong enough to push through the dark and scary times. 

Do I still have depression?

Absolutely, however I have gotten a lot of help through therapy, medication, and strategies to help me stay on top of it. Im not going to sit here and say that I’m a brand new shiny penny, because thats a load of you know what. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed, where I find myself in a funk and can’t even motivate myself enough to even put a brush through my hair. in fact, the other day I was having a very rough day, depression wise, but I made a decision that I truly believe helped me in the long run. I woke up feeling a huge weight on my chest, and was loathing getting out of bed, and I just laid there and cried. I made the decision to put clothes on to make myself look halfway decent and I went to my best friends house. Getting out of the house and not staying home, sitting by myself, making my depression worse was a major step in my recovery. I was proud that I could gather up enough energy to put leggings on and a sweatshirt, and get out of the house. 

When it comes to mental illness, you have to remember to look at the little things, and take baby steps. It’s important to make small manageable goals for the day, instead of making big goals that are tough to complete. Don’t set yourself up for failure. 

If you only take one thing out of this blog post, take this…You are not alone, and you are strong enough to whether this storm. There were times when I was ready to call it quits and give up, but somehow a small ounce of courage got my through those dark thoughts. Right now it may seem like hell, and believe me I know it sucks, but, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. 

Many people don’t talk about mental health, that’s why I want to put everything out on the table and be as honest as I can with this serious situation. Comment down below, if you have any questions or would like to share a little but of your journey. We’re all in this together, and can make it through this rough patch! 

xoxo, Mad 


5 thoughts on “Living with Depression

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  1. This post is brilliant! It is so true for so many of us and it gave me hope. Seeing you come out so positive from dark places just shows how brave and powerful you are. That gives hope to me. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

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