Home…heart beating rapidly, my mind is racing so fast that it is so hard to keep up with all of the negative thoughts running through my head. My chest feels so tight, & I have a knot in my stomach that is creating me to have a very hard time keeping a normal breathing pace. Every part of my body has pins and needles. The anger I have in my heart, soul, and body, is coming from deep inside.
Why do I have these feelings? Sometimes I just truly do not understand.
How do I cope with this? I either remove myself from a certain situation, or usually I’m a 20 year girl who just needs to cry and freak out…TBH, the second one happens a lot more often! lol. Sometimes you just have to feel the emotion, and let yourself go through the motions of the negative feeling and embrace it. If you try to fight it, and try to get rid of the anxious feelings, 9 out of 10 times you will make yourself worse, trust me.
I’m expressing this because these are usually the feelings I have at least a few times a week.
Every Thursday’s and Friday’s I go into Manhattan to see a new doctor that I have been seeing for about 2 months now. He is very inspirational, and I am very optimistic for his approach to my entire situation. With that being said, even though I am usually in a lot of pain on the ride there, it is worth the trip because I feel better mentally every time I leave his office. The ride back to Jersey isn’t always pleasant, but that is just part of my life and part of the journey. It’s something I have to go through in order to get to the other side.
This week just like many other times in the past, when I got home from that trip, I was having a hard time mentally. I got extremely overwhelmed and I couldn’t control the negative vibes that were occurring. The anxiety that went through my entire body, knocked me to the ground and I could barley stand up. Staying positive with my back condition is something that I have tried very hard to maintain, however I have moments where I just need to listen to “How to Save a Life” and cry my eyes out. But after I have my “moment”, I am usually prepared to move on and get ready for the next day, and prepare for next speed bump.
That’s what is hard with difficult situations in people’s lives, it is so beyond difficult to get up and get ready, and keep moving forward but I promise it will make you a better person. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you keep trudging on, and just put one foot in front of the other. I believe in you, now it’s time to believe in yourself.
Right now my life is very consumed with the medical aspect of everything, and sometimes it so beyond exhausting. Everyday is the same schedule for me medically. Waking up, there’s always a decent amount of pain in my lower back when I get out of bed, then I immediately take all of my prescribed medication, my vitamins, and supplements. For the past four years I have always had to base my day around my back, my pain, and what I would be able to handle for the day. It’s hard to see what else is out there for me because I am so used to living life this way. It’s terrifying trying new things but as I always say, just keep putting one foot in front of the other & it will all work out in the end.
UPDATE: I will posting every, Tuesday, Wednesday’s, and Saturdays! Be sure to check in on those days to see what’s new on AuthneticallyMad!
Remember to smile today, xoxo